Category: Recovery

…And That’s a WRAP!

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People have compared mental health treatment plans to emergency kits, toolboxes, lunchboxes and so on.  These action plans are known as WRAPs (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).  It doesn’t matter what you call it, but it’s important to create your own toolkit of strategies to use to stay well. It takes time to learn which tools work for you and when to use them. However, over time, you will discover the techniques that work best for you, just as a carpenter learns which tools to use for the job at hand. Research has shown that individuals with action plans manage their symptoms better and stay healthy for longer periods of times than those who have no plans in place.

So what do you put in this toolkit? Some common tools include exercise, talk therapy, medication, diet, peer support groups, and relaxation techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing,  Others use self-affirmations, mantras, and journaling and practice gratitude.  Basically, anything that you need to do on a daily basis to maintain wellness can become part of your WRAP. Consider what you do when you are feeling well and incorporate those ideas and activities into your plan.

The Power of Peer Support Groups

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I wasn’t going to go to my weekly DBSA meeting. I was tired, it was dark, and I had a long day. In fact, I’ve been stuck in a rut for the past two weeks–nothing severe, just low motivation and returning to old poor habits. But something pushed me, I got myself out the door, and I drove to the church where my peer support group meets every Wed.

I shared my struggle with motivation and the general heaviness I’ve been feeling lately with the rest of the group. As usual, I got helpful supportive suggestions from people who also struggle with anxiety and depression (e.g., making daily lists of small tasks, embedding a reward system, focusing on one goal at a time, being gentle with myself).

As the meeting progressed, I found myself becoming gradually more interested and invested in others’ stories and even offering feedback and encouragement. One thing is certain: it is very difficult to feel down when you are helping someone else. There is also comfort in feeling like you are not alone and no one is judging you.  Participating in peer groups also takes me out of my own head and my own self-doubt and worries.  In fact, peer support group is one of my strongest allies in fighting this disease and keeping my depression at bay. These people get me. Or as Sally Fields would say, “they like me. They really like me!”

And if that isn’t enough of a reason to drag myself off the couch, this last part is. After the meeting, a young man (19 years old) came up to me and told me that he remembered me from when I spoke at the hospital when he was hospitalized in September. He thanked me and told me my story inspired him and I was the reason he was there.

He will never know how much his words mean to me and how much I needed to hear them. A huge smile spread across my face and I swear I floated out that door.

Skeletons in the Closet

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At the last DBSA meeting, a peer shared the following advice given to him by a therapist when he was a young boy struggling with PTSD:

We all have skeletons in our closets. When we leave home, those skeletons stay in the closet. You leave them behind. But when you come home, they are still there. You may not see them, but you know they are there. At first you may just look at the closet. Maybe next time you move closer to the closet, but you still don’t open the door. Then you may touch the doorknob. The next time you might open the door and peek in. Eventually, when you are ready, you open the door, and take one skeleton out.  Deal with that one skeleton.  Once that one is handled, you move onto the next.

One skeleton at a time.

The Power of Self-Affirmations

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I must admit the first time I learned about self-affirmations, I thought the idea was ridiculous. I remember thinking I can write or say “I am beautiful” or “I am worthy”  but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever believe it.  Undeterred, my therapist challenged me to just write down a few affirmations in a journal each day, even if I didn’t believe it.  I picked “I AM LOVED,” because I knew my family loved me so I couldn’t argue with that one. Gradually, I started adding some others to my list: “I AM WORTHY.” “I AM STRONG.” “I AM PERSISTENT.” These statements became my “go-tos.” My mantras. And though I didn’t always feel strong or worthy, I still wrote it. After all, that was our deal. I figured I had nothing to lose anyway so it couldn’t hurt to try it.  I decided to write them down before bed so at least I would go to sleep with a positive thought in my head rather than an endless cycle of self deprecation.

Then I took it a step further. I started to not just write my mantras or self-affirmations at the end of the day, but use them throughout the day. Whenever I had a negative thought, I would stop it and replace that thought with the mantra. So, “I am a loser” would become “I am worthy.”  Even if I didn’t feel worthy at that time, the mantra briefly interrupted my negative thought pattern and moved my thoughts in a positive direction.

At one point, I turned it into a game. For each negative or self-deprecating thought I had, I made myself think of 3 positive things. That really helped, (mostly because I didn’t want to have to think of three things). Often, I resorted to the same ones: thankful for food, shelter, my daughter, the sun, my physical health, my sight, my legs, etc. Expressing gratitude for all the things I had rather than focusing on all the things I didn’t have helped me to stay positive and keep my irrational thoughts in check.

Now I use mantras all the time. I repeat them in my head to counteract a feeling (e.g., thinking “I am calm” when my anxiety strikes). I post them on my mirror. When I speak at the hospitals, I give the patients written self-affirmations to remind them of their worth and value. Each of us is unique with different talents, strengths, beliefs, qualities, and experiences. Why not appreciate what we do have rather than resent what we do not? Why not embrace who we are rather than berate ourselves for all we are not? I believe in the power of self-affirmations, not just on low days, but every day.

By treating ourselves with the same love and compassion we show to those we love, we can begin to heal and learn to love ourselves.

My Favorite Affirmations:

I am hopeful.

I am worthy.

I am resilient.

I am smart.

I am kind.

I am strong.

I am thankful.

I am proud.

I am brave.

I am enough.

Gratitude

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Depression feeds on negativity and grows stronger with each negative thought. When depressed, it is easy to fall into that vicious cycle of bad thoughts. Practicing gratitude stops that pattern and changes brain chemistry by releasing serotonin and dopamine. However, it can be difficult to find anything positive when depression sets in. Start with writing or verbalizing three things or people for whom you are grateful each day until it becomes a habit (experts suggest 21 consecutive days of practice to form a habit).  Many find it helpful to write thank you letters, cards, e-mails to people who have helped you in the past. Whenever, I feel those negative thoughts building (what I don’t have, what is wrong, what I’ve lost, etc.) I stop and focus on what I do have (e.g., life, shelter, food, family, friends, pet, therapy, medication, books, music), what is right (I’m physically well), and what I’ve gained (empathy, perspective, knowledge, etc.) In time, my perspective shifts and my positivity attracts more good thoughts.

Find Your People

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This is another thing that took me years to figure out. Years ago, I joined a moms’ meet up group. Even though I had little in common with the majority of the members (except for the fact that we were, of course, moms), I attended the events and tried to connect with everyone. Needless to say, disappointment ensued as I was excluded from meetups that were “not scheduled.” I remember seeing pictures on Facebook and thinking “how did I miss that meetup?” It turned out I hadn’t missed any meetup; they were all friends and just got together.

I will never forget the day when I was yet again in tears and my husband asked me, “when are you going to realize that they are not your friends?” I was furious at his reply at the time, but it hit me like a punch in the gut: he was right. They weren’t my friends. And what a blessing that turned out to be! They were NOT MY PEOPLE. Celebrate your uniqueness and know that in time you will find your people.

A LIFETIME IN RECOVERY

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Working My Recovery Every. Single. Day.

Even though it’s been several years since I have had a depressive “episode” (that’s the term doctors have given it, though I associate “episodes” with sitcoms like The Office or Seinfeld—rather ironic, right?), that doesn’t mean I am out of the woods. There is no cure for mental illness and I know that I am vulnerable to more episodes, especially after the initial breakdown. Therefore, I have to work my recovery every day. Mornings tend to be the roughest. I still struggle to get out of bed and begin the day. I used to rise at 5:30 am like clockwork for my teaching job, but those days are gone. It’s pointless to think about what I used to do, because I am not able to juggle all the things I once did (god knows I’ve tried). I’ve accepted that teaching full-time at a public high school is not a part of my new reality (though I fought that notion for YEARS and ended up in the hospital again and again).

Anyway, this summer my daughter is in a playground program so she is gone from 9-12 and yesterday I found myself sucked into the couch watching reruns on ID Discovery Channel until it was time to pick her up. As I started to berate myself for not going to the gym like I planned and for just lying around rather than getting ready for my stepson’s graduation party on Sat., I remembered what my therapist said about “being gentle with myself”–an approach that does not come naturally to me. At all. So I stopped and chose to be gentle with myself.  I reminded myself that the day wasn’t over. Sure, I  missed the gym class, but It was nice outside and I COULD take a short walk. And just because I didn’t make it to the gym this time, there was still tomorrow.

So instead of continuing to lie around, I forced myself to get dressed, put on one of my favorite Spotify playlists, and take a walk. I’m not going to lie and say it was all rainbows and unicorns, but I can say I felt much better than if I had stayed on the couch.  I also noticed I was a bit more productive with the rest of my day.

FLASH FORWARD to this morning.  Again I found myself resisting the gym (I do not have the discipline to work out at home so I gave up that battle long ago—not gonna happen).  Naturally, I first thought of all the reasons to skip the gym (and most likely return to that godforsaken couch):

  1. I would be late to class, which was always embarrassing.
  2. The best weights, mats, etc. would be taken.
  3. It would be crowded and I detest crowds. 9 am is a popular workout time.
  4. I wasn’t even dressed yet. Did I even wash any of my workout clothes?
  5. I am overweight so exercising is hard for me. I am 5’ 3’’ and weigh 180, which I never imagined would happen, but here I am. 180.
  6. I probably can’t even do half the exercises anyway. See #4
  7. Most of the people in the class are trim and fit, which makes me feel worse.
  8. You get the idea……

Then I reminded myself that I didn’t go yesterday and how that made me feel about myself. So I dressed (incidentally, there was plenty of workout clothes because you actually have to wear them in order for them to be dirty) and left for the gym in a pretty foul mood (Be gentle, Deep breaths.)

Turns out I was late to a full class, but I was there so I figured I might as well go in. I found a spot in the back corner (thank god for those) and retrieved my equipment—a bar, two sets of weights, a step, blocks that go under the step to raise it more (seems overly ambitious), and a mat. Needless to say, setting up was a workout in itself! In fact, I was already sweating, though one side effect of my medication is excessive sweating so, to be honest, it doesn’t take much. People comment on my profuse sweating all the time, (which is actually rather rude, but whatever.)

Once I positioned all my accoutrement,  I jumped into the routine –well, begrudgingly moved is more accurate. Every time those negative thoughts entered my head (and they did!), I reframed them. To illustrate this, here is a script between the two parts of my brain, which I will call GOOD and BAD for now.

BAD: Why are these people so fit? Like they even need to come to the gym. (snort)

GOOD:  They are fit, BECAUSE they come to the gym. You can be fit, too.

BAD:  My weights are clearly lighter than everyone else’s.

GOOD:  So what? Everyone starts somewhere. You don’t want to overdo it and hurt yourself like last time.

BAD:  That instructor doesn’t even care about her class. She just uses it to get in her own work out. It’s all so fast like we already know what we’re supposed to do. And where are the modifications, for crying out loud?

GOOD: This must be her passion. I’m just glad I know how to adjust my expectations and modify these exercises–

BAD: Or I’d never walk again.

GOOD: Oh come now, that’s unlikely. You’re catastrophizing.

BAD:  How do these tiny women lift such heavy weights?! Why aren’t they sweating?!

GOOD: Stop comparing yourself to others. It just brings you down. They’ve probably been lifting weights for a long time and you just started. The fact that you are sweating is a good sign; it’s a natural consequence of exercising.

BAD: I will never be that fit.

GOOD:  First, “never” is an absolute; you don’t know that. If you exercised regularly, you might be. Each time you come you get stronger. Give yourself credit for coming, even though you didn’t want to. That’s a huge step.

BAD: Well, I guess it’s better than nothing.

And so it goes.  Well, I have rambled long enough for now (and even enjoyed it) so I will bid you all farewell and leave you with this:

EVERY JOURNEY BEGINS WITH A SINGLE STEP. 

So, what first step will you take today?