After 35 years of dedication, hard work, patience, and perseverance, I had finally achieved my version of the “American Dream”: a beautiful home, a loving husband, two wonderful children, and a stable and fulfilling teaching career. However as my job became increasingly more stressful and my work environment grew more toxic, I suffered a major breakdown. In a single day, I went from taking care of my family and teaching high school English to being admitted to a psychiatric unit. While there, I was diagnosed as “Bipolar II” and forced to take an emergency leave from work. Life as I knew it ended that day.

After countless trials of medications with all sorts of unpleasant side effects including a 30 lb weight gain, fatigue, dizziness, confusion, nausea, constipation, and low libido (just to name a few), I slipped into a paralyzing suicidal depression. I could barely get out of bed and I spent most of my time sleeping or crying. I felt like a failure, not only as a teacher, but, more importantly, as a wife and mother.  I hated this stranger I had become and I wished to die rather than live in such unbearable pain and despair. Despite medication, ongoing therapy, partial hospitalizations, support meetings, nothing was helping me. I tried Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), a new treatment for depression with a high success rate for depression, but I felt no relief after 30 sessions. Defeated and desperate, I decided to try Electro-convulsive Therapy (ECT) though I was absolutely terrified.

Finally, after 18 rounds of ECT and a new medication for treatment-resistant patients, my depression began to lift.  While I was far from my energetic and passionate self, I could at least get out of bed and accomplish basic tasks. No longer incapacitated, I forced myself to get out of the house by attending support group meetings. I attended weekly therapy and took my medication as prescribed. I set realistic goals and measured my progress. I volunteered at a literacy center and joined a local Mom’s club. I challenged and reframed my distorted thinking and I practiced self-affirmations and mantras. I identified and learned to manage my triggers. I talked to myself as I would a friend, rather than endlessly berating myself. Eventually, I felt well enough to return to my job.

However, as a result of medication and ECT side effects such as fatigue, short term memory loss, nausea, and frequent crying spells, I struggled to keep up with all the new policies, procedures, expectations, technology, and curriculum changes. In a highly critical, unsupportive, and inflexible work environment, it didn’t take long until I was once again out on medical leave.  Despite my Masters in Education and 15 years of exemplary evaluations, I had been unable to juggle the demands and stress of teaching.  To make matters worse, I was demoted to a Level 1 teacher status, which put the final nail in my coffin (almost literally).

As a fiercely independent person with consistent employment from the age of 16, I suddenly found myself applying for disability. Feeling ashamed and worthless, I spiraled into yet another agonizing depression. I grieved my losses, wallowed in self-pity, blamed others, cursed a God I no longer believed in, hated myself, and mourned for the past.  Once again, bitterness and jealousy consumed me.

In time, I realized that no matter how much I wanted to return to the way I used to be, it was not going to happen and unless I accepted my circumstances and explored new opportunities, I would never get well. I replaced self-defeating thoughts with positive self-talk.  I managed triggers and stayed active. I read self-help books, inspiring memoirs, and online blogs. I even started my own blog and received support and encouragement from others who were struggling with the same issues. I explored faith by attending Bible Study and volunteered with NAMI. I even wrote an article sharing my own struggle with mental illness for the NAMI newsletter. Several years ago, I was featured in a PBS documentary on Depression. https://www.pbs.org/video/close-to-home-depression-9p3tsx/

I finally resigned from that teaching position that caused me so much pain and stress and moved onto greener pastures.  Now I am a writing tutor at Northampton Community College and a peer specialist, speaker, and educator for National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). I am a proud member of International Women’s Writing Guild (IWWG), National Association of Memoir Writers (NAMW) and Greater Lehigh Valley Writing Group (GLVWG). I finished the first draft of my memoir and earned my certificate in Publishing for Writers. I perform in community theatre and sing in two bands. I no longer live in fear, shame, and silence and I remain hopeful and confident about my future.

Ultimately, mental illness has given me far more than it has taken from me. I gained the courage to leave an unhealthy work environment and seek new employment opportunities. I learned to prioritize and put my health and family first. I learned humility and gratitude as I had to accept help from others and respect my new limitations. I learned that self worth and confidence must come from within, not from external factors such as a job or public recognition. I developed empathy for others through my own struggles. I learned to live in the moment and make the most of each day, because the past is over and the future is unknown. I learned to monitor my stress, manage triggers, stay active, and get enough sleep.  I learned I am far more resilient than I thought. As a result of my struggles, I lead a more balanced, authentic life. No, I am not the same as I was prior to the onset of my illness–I am stronger, wiser, more compassionate, humble, hopeful, thankful, and confident.