During a PlayLab session at the International Women’s Writing Guild Conference last week, I introduced my short piece called “Bang Head Here,” which you will find in my blog post “Using Humor To Cope.” The presenter encouraged me to explore other possible endings and I came up with this FAR MORE satisfying ending–the ending that all teachers want, but never get the chance to say. I hope you like it. I know I do!

Bang Head Here Revised July 17, 2019 for IWWG Conference

PRINCIPAL, a 30-year-old male in tan dress pants and a light blue button-down collared shirt under a gray sports jacket sits at a large mahogany desk in his office leisurely scrolling through e-mail with a warm cup of coffee resting on upper right side of desk.  TEACHER, a neatly dressed woman in her mid to late 40s, stands outside his office, anxiously waiting for PRINCIPAL’S attention and glancing at her watch. TEACHER wipes sweat from forehead and clears throat to get his attention.

P (looks up, but quickly resumes typing):  I’ll be right with you.  I’m just finishing up an e-mail.

T  (glances again at watch uneasily, clearly annoyed):  I can see you’re busy, but our appointment is scheduled for—

P (Still focused on screen, waving T into his air-conditioned office and continues to type):  Oh, yes. Please have a seat.  I’ll be right with you.  (He grins and chuckles to himself, as if he’s crafted a witty post or created a new meme). 

T: (Sitting in chair): I have to teach in ten minutes.

After a final emphatic click and a self-assured nod, P sighs and leans back in leather high-backed swivel chair.

P:  (Folding hands behind his head).  So, what brings you here?

T: As I mentioned in my e-mail, I wanted to address some concerns I have related to Anthony’s ongoing behavior in my class.

P:  Oh yes, that’s right. Neat kid.  (Nods head agreeably, though he has no clue who Anthony is). So, what seems to be the problem? (P leans forward to sip some coffee.)

T: (Matter-of-fact): Tony disrupts class on a daily basis and it’s making it difficult for the other students to learn.

P:  Hmmm, I see.  (He takes another sip and replaces cup, folds hands on desk.) So, what is he doing to disrupt the other students?

T:  Well, yesterday he just got out of his seat and took another student’s pencil.  Then he—

P (Cutting teacher off.  Defensively.) Perhaps he needed a pencil.

T:  I don’t think so.

P:  How do you know that?

T: He threw it out the window.

P: Wait. Why was he near the window?

T (Confused by question):  Why was he—?

P:  Yes, why was he by the window in the first place?

T:  His case manager recommended Tony be able to get up and move as he feels the need.  It’s part of his IEP. The point is he took another student’s pencil and—

P:  Yes, I understand that.  But why would he go to the window? 

T:  Probably to throw out the student’s pencil.

P:  Why were the windows open?

T:  It’s over 90 degrees today and there’s no air-conditioning in my room.  It gets very hot in a small room with 30 students and it helps to–

P:  In the future, just have him sit on the other side of the room so he isn’t near the window.

T (frustrated):  He doesn’t sit near a window. He got out of his seat and walked over to the window. That’s when he grabbed a student’s pencil and tossed it—

P (As if in thought) Now, I’m not suggesting…. Well, I’m wondering if…. Well, exactly what were the other students doing when Tommy got out of his seat?

T: Tony.

P:  What? Oh, Tony.  Yes, Tony.

T:  They were writing in their journals.

P (Disapprovingly, turning mouth down):  That’s a rather sedentary activity.

T:  Well, it’s a five-minute freewriting exercise to get their ideas flowing and to generate material for their writing.  It also helps with fluency.

P: (Confused):  Fluency?  (Beat.)  Could this activity be more interactive?

T:  After they write, they share what they’ve written with a peer.  It’s just a warm up to get them—

P (Shakes head in confusion):  A warm-up?

T:  Yes, to get them thinking, writing, putting their thoughts—

P:  But what do they DO with these thoughts?

T:  It’s a prewriting activity for the first stage of the writing process.  Eventually, their responses become—

P:  Yes, but—

T:  the basis for a thesis or a narrative or a poem.

P:  But clearly, this is not an activity that engages ALL students so consider other ways for students to express their ideas.  Otherwise, Tommy will continue to be disengaged and act out.  I would suggest reaching out to other teachers for ideas on how to create more engaging lessons.

T:  This was just a five-minute—

P:  Well, let’s get back to Johnny.  I mean, Tommy.  How did you respond when he threw the pencil out of the window?

T:  I gave the student another pencil so she could continue writing, but at that point, most of the students were reacting to Tony so I asked him to step out into the hall so I could speak to him privately, but he yelled “Fuck that! I’m going to the library!” and stormed out of the room.

P:  So you just let him go?  That sounds like you’re rewarding him.

T:  Well, I couldn’t continue to follow him down the hall and leave the other 29 students unsupervised.  I did call the library and they confirmed he was there.

P:  Why didn’t you send him to his case manager?

T:  She is co-teaching a class that period so she isn’t available.  There is another case manager Tony can go to, but he refuses.

P:  Have you talked to his case manager about this?

T  (checks watch, running out of time):  Not face-to-face. I did send several e-mails to her as well as his guidance counselor explaining the ongoing situation, but I haven’t heard back yet.  I’ve also spoken to his mom about his behavior.

P:  And what did she say?

T:  She said she gave up years ago and wished me luck.

(A brief pause ensues.)

P:  You mentioned ongoing behavior?  What other things has Tim done?

T:  He calls out random things in the middle of class to get attention. 

P (smiles and leans back in chair):  Ah, so he’s comfortable speaking out in class.  Perhaps you could find positive ways for him to use his voice and sense of humor?

T (shocked and confused): Sense of–??

P:  He obviously wants to participate.  Perhaps you could let him teach a lesson or assist in some other constructive way?

T:  I tried that and it was a disaster. He ended up making faces at his classmates and telling jokes. I’d love to get him involved that way, but he would still need to follow the expectations, stay focused–

P:  I’m sure he will once you give him some leadership.  He hasn’t had problems in his other classes.  Have you talked to them about what they’re doing?

T:  Actually, I emailed all of his teachers this semester.  Only two responded and they both said he acts the same way in their classes. 

P:  I must say, I’m surprised.  We’ve never had any problems with Tim in the past.

T:  Tony was expelled last year and spent the rest of the school year in alternative school.

P:  I mean, this year.

T:  (Checks watch.) Well, I have a class in one minute so –

P:  Oh, have you met the Special Ed Lead Teacher?  He’s a great resource, too.

T:  Yes, we co-taught a class last year. (Rises to leave.)

P: I’m really glad we could figure this out. 

T: Oh, I figured it out. You want me to waste taxpayers’ money and deny 29 other students their right to an education so I can escort a special needs student to the library because his case manager is co-teaching a class and isn’t even available as a resource, which is in clear violation of his IEP.

P: (Confused.)Wait. What???

Bell rings.

T: We can continue this conversation in my room after school. I’m in A125.

P is still processing, not sure what just happened.

T: (Turns back right before she enters the sweltering heat of the hallway.) Oh, and you might want to ditch the sports jacket. It’s hot. 

Even Bruce Springsteen is not immune to mental illness. He opens up about medication, chemical imbalances, two breakdowns, and how music became his “refuge” and “chased away his blues.” He finds he struggles most with his depression when he isn’t working or on the road. For many with mental health conditions who may be unable to maintain steady employment, this is a constant struggle. Most people I have met with mental health issues are hard workers who take great pride in their careers so when they find themselves unable to work, it is devastating. They lose a sense of purpose and identity.

It doesn’t help that mental illness is not a visible condition like a physical limitation so some may interpret a legitimate disability as laziness or just taking advantage of the system. The sad part is that many want to work and even need work to stay well and yet they can’t. Then they are made to feel worse by labels and stereotypes. It is an endless riddle and a constant challenge to maintain self esteem and a sense of purpose when one loses their ability to work. Rather than providing a supportive environment for employees with mental health conditions, employers are often unwilling to make any accommodations , or even worse, target those individuals, forcing them out of the workplace. Even though I am content and hold several fulfilling jobs now, I still struggle with having to resign from my last teaching position and losing the seniority, tenure, salary, retirement plan, and career for which I had worked so hard. I do believe I am in a better place now, but the loss is still there and the scars remain.

“We must act – removing the stigma cannot just be a slogan.”

For many it takes the loss of a love to realize or accept that mental illness can happen to anyone. I certainly never thought i would be diagnosed with one. I was a successful teacher, wife, and mother leading a stable, fulfilling life. I had overcome countless setbacks and reached (and at times exceeded) my goals. I was a straight A student with a Masters degree. An experienced actress and director. A wife and mother living in the suburbs with two healthy children. I assumed I was immune to such things.

I was wrong. I remember feeling such terrible shame, guilt, and horror that I didn’t tell anyone and hid behind closed doors. I thought I had done something wrong and it was all my fault. I felt worthless, hopeless, and helpless. All the light in my eyes had burned out and I became a shadow of my former self–literally, the walking dead doomed to live in an earthly purgatory–doomed to walk endlessly among the living, observing peace, happiness, love, and life but unable to partake in any of it.

Thanks to family, talk therapy, medication, medical procedures, peer support groups, education programs, and a stubborn constitution, I emerged on the other side a better person–a humble and healthier person with more perspective, gratitude, empathy, strength, and confidence. It’s ironic that through mental illness, I learned how to live a healthy life.

Sadly, that doesn’t happen for everyone and a large part of the reason is stigma. Stigma that is often more crippling than the disease itself. Stigma that is perpetuated by the media, the workplace, the health care system, societal ignorance, and isolation even from closest friends and family.

This is one reason I speak out–to give a face and a voice to a cause that still sits on the sidelines and is only addressed in response to violent crimes and tragedies. Wouldn’t it make more sense to take proactive measures to educate and improve mental health and reduce the stigma so people can lead fuller healthier lives? Perhaps if more attention were paid to promoting mental health, there wouldn’t be such high suicide rates that seem to increase each year? Why does it take a tragedy such as the loss of a loved one or a shooting rampage to discuss mental illness? Maybe if politicians focused more on mental health measures than gun control laws, prison reform, media violence, there would be fewer crimes and casualties in the first place. Who knows?

Anyway, I’m thankful to Congresswoman Wild for sharing her story and adding a voice to the battle.