Tag: Therapy

I Get By with a Little Help from…My Support Group

Christina Dunbar2 Comments

I looked at the faces on my computer screen, the people in my support group with whom I’ve spent every Thursday night on Zoom for the past two years. As the facilitator, I try to stay positive, but one night I was really down. I had just gotten back from a girls’ weekend with two college friends, both of whom went on to have successful careers, one as a lawyer and the other as a high school principal.

            I thought back to our college years and wondered what happened to me—the straight-A student who worked two part-time jobs, participated in choir, theatre, served as Philanthropy Chair in a sorority, and volunteered at a local school. I had looked forward to a bright future when all my hard work and dedication would pay off. And it did until a mental breakdown in my 40s upended my world.

            Due to an unsupportive administration that exacerbated my mental health challenges, I had to give up my beloved career as a high school English and Drama teacher. As my college friends talked about juggling the demands of working full-time, raising children, and managing household tasks like cooking, cleaning, and paying bills, I felt like a failure. I can barely manage to work ten hours a week, my daughter is struggling with her own mental health issues, and my husband handles the majority of the household chores. I smiled and nodded, pretending to relate, but inside I felt broken and worthless.

            As my support group shared how their week had gone, I debated whether or not to let them know how terrible I felt. As a leader, I didn’t want to take any focus off of them and I didn’t want to set a negative tone. But I needed to be honest. So I shared how difficult my weekend trip had been and how lonely and unaccomplished I felt.

            Nicole, my fellow leader of the group, told me that she became a facilitator because I inspired her in one of the mental health courses I taught. She continued, “I know you feel like you’ve failed because you aren’t an English teacher anymore, but you are still teaching and impacting so many lives. More than you will ever know. So many people are here because of you.”

            Another voice said, “I’m here because of you.”

            Then another. “Me, too.”

            My throat swelled and my heart filled with gratitude. A warm sensation spread throughout my body. I thanked them for their kind words and told them how much I needed to hear that.

            Sometimes we can’t see what is right in front of us. Sometimes we get so caught up in what was supposed to be that we miss the beauty of what is. By pining for past employment or neglecting to explore other options, we rob ourselves of new and exciting opportunities and lasting, meaningful connections. We can still make a difference even if it’s not the way we had hoped or imagined. We can use our talents, skills, and experiences to enrich (even save) another’s life. I can’t think of anything more worthwhile than that. I may not have the money or the pension plan or the health insurance or the retirement benefits like I once did, but I have peace of mind and purpose and that is priceless.

Newton’s Law of Motion and Mental Health

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I’m no scientist and I don’t remember much about Physics, but I know all about inertia. It is easy for me to get stuck in a rut and I have to really push myself to get motivated. Some days are easier than others, but one thing’s for sure: lying on my couch doesn’t help. Once I get sucked into the couch vortex, I can disappear for hours. One hour leads to another and another. Before I know it, the day is almost over and I accomplished nothing. Then I think of all the things I should have done. Then I feel the guilt and shame and worthlessness. It’s a vicious cycle–the less I do, the worse I feel, and the more negative my thoughts become. So what does this have to do with Newton’s first Law of Motion? Everything.

In a game of dominoes, the dominoes remain still until one topples. When one moves, it causes the next to fall and so on. Bodies are no different. That’s why I need to make sure I get up and move during the day. It doesn’t need to be exercise or anything in particular, but if I don’t force myself to get up, I can easily stay there for a long time. Then the feeling and thoughts get going and soon I’m spiraling down a dark dark hole. However, if I can take one step no matter how small–topple one domino–it will often lead to the next one and I gain momentum.

The tricky part is that unless I have to be somewhere, I tend to stay put. Then I feel even worse for not doing anything when I had the time and the means. I swear working full-time is what kept me sane all those years. The great irony is that my mental illness prevents me from working full-time: I can’t handle the workload or the level of stress I took on before. It’s a constant challenge, but I try to catch it early and set myself in motion, often through the encouragement or accountability by a friend, peer, family member, therapist, etc. Many have told me that having a pet has saved their lives. Their pets give them purpose and force them to get up and walk them, feed them, play with them, and care for them. My pet, a sweet rescue cat named “Cinnamon,” prefers the couch so he isn’t much help in the get-up and get-moving department. He does give me joy, though. Thankfully, I have other things that keep me moving.

Finding ways to build in accountability and maintain a consistent routine can help so much. For me, volunteering and partial programs gave me that structure when I wasn’t able to provide it on my own. I had a specific time and place I needed to be. My therapy appointments and peer support group meetings helped me to get out, even if just for an hour or two. I learned to be gentle with myself and give myself credit for even the small tasks I completed. It feels good to cross something off a list, no matter how small it is. Accomplishing a goal builds momentum and moves energy in the right direction.

I still find myself drawn to the siren song of the couch, but it’s getting easier to steer away toward brighter shores. Sure, there are days I succumb and and crash, but I give myself grace, get back in my ship, and move on.

Using Humor To Cope

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One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is resign from my job as a high school English and Theatre Arts teacher. From the time I lined up my stuffed animals on the basement stairs and taught them their ABCs, I had always wanted to be a teacher. After many years of hard work and sacrifice, I had achieved my Master’s in Education, reached the top of the pay scale, and possessed a retirement plan that seemed to be the envy of all. With tenure, seniority, and the support of a powerful and vocal union, I felt safe and secure. I loved being a teacher and devoted much (in retrospect, too much) of my time and energy there.

Then supportive and empowering administrators were replaced with critical and punitive ones. Teachers were forced to administer daily prescribed curriculum and threatened with insubordination for asking legitimate questions. District office personnel we had never even seen started penetrating the building, in search of anyone in violation. Esteemed teachers started leaving at alarming rates for new jobs, early retirements. Soon the toxic environment pushed me to my breaking point as well. In one day, I went from teaching in my classroom to being admitted to a hospital psychiatric unit. There’s nothing funny about that. But hold on.

I spent the next year and a half out on medical leave and worked on my recovery. As my brain healed and my confidence returned, the time came when I had to either return or resign. Devastated, but not wanting to risk a relapse, I waited until the very last day and resigned from teaching–the career I treasured and worked so hard to achieve. Still not funny, but wait–there’s more!

It took me YEARS to get over it and I harbored resentment until it ate me from the inside like a radioactive element. I had no idea how to channel all that pain, anger, and bitterness. Until one day, I just started laughing about how ridiculous my situation had become. I realized the absurdity and futility of remaining in the profession I once cherished and prided myself on my courage to leave. As if in a trance, I opened a Word document and my fingers found the keys and within ten minutes, I had written this short scene, which is based on an actual conversation I had with an administrator. I changed the end to reflect what most teachers who find themselves in this situation want to say, but can’t (that is, if they want to stay employed). So whenever I feel myself pining for the job I left behind or those angry, bitter feelings start to swell, I pull out this piece and chuckle anew.

So without further ado, I give to you BANG HEAD HERE:

PRINCIPAL, a 30-year-old male in tan dress pants and a light blue button-down collared shirt under a gray sports jacket sits at a large mahogany desk in his office leisurely scrolling through e-mail with a warm cup of coffee resting on upper right side of desk.  TEACHER, a neatly dressed woman in her mid to late 40s, stands outside his office, anxiously waiting for PRINCIPAL’S attention and glancing at her watch. TEACHER wipes sweat from forehead and clears throat to get his attention.

P (looks up, but quickly resumes typing):  I’ll be right with you.  I’m just finishing up an e-mail.

T  (glances again at watch uneasily, clearly annoyed):  I can see you’re busy, but our appointment is scheduled for—

P (Still focused on screen, waving T into his air-conditioned office and continues to type):  Oh, yes. Please have a seat.  I’ll be right with you.  (He grins and chuckles to himself, as if he’s crafted a witty post or created a new meme). 

T: (Sitting in chair): I have to teach in ten minutes.

After a final emphatic click and a self-assured nod.

P:  (Sighing and leaning back in leather high-backed swivel chair and folding hands behind his head).  So, what brings you here?

T: As I mentioned in my e-mail, I wanted to address some concerns I have related to Anthony’s ongoing behavior in my class.

P:  Oh yes, that’s right. Neat kid.  (Nods head agreeably, though he has no clue who Anthony is). So, what seems to be the problem? (P leans forward to sip some coffee.)

T: (Matter of fact): Tony disrupts class on a daily basis and it’s making it difficult for the other students to learn.

P:  Hmmm, I see.  (He takes another sip and replaces cup, folds hands on desk.) So, what is he doing to disrupt the other students?

T:  Well, yesterday he just got out of his seat and took another student’s pencil.  Then he—

P (Cutting teacher off.  Defensively.) Perhaps he needed one.

T:  I don’t think so.

P:  How do you know that?

T: He threw it out the window.

P: Wait. Why was he near the window?

T (Confused by question):  Why was he—?

P:  Yes, why was he by the window in the first place?

T:  His case manager recommended Tony be able to get up and move as he feels the need.  It’s part of his IEP. The point is he took another student’s pencil and—

P:  Yes, I understand that.  But why would he go to the window? 

T:  Probably to throw out the student’s pencil.

P:  Why were the windows open?

T:  It’s over 90 degrees today and there’s no air-conditioning in my room.  It gets very hot in a small room with 30 students and it helps to–

P:  In the future, just have him sit on the other side of the room so he isn’t near the window.

T (frustrated):  He doesn’t sit near a window. He got out of his seat and walked over to the window. That’s when he grabbed a student’s pencil and tossed it—

P (Appears to be in thought) Now, I’m not suggesting…. Well, I’m wondering if…. Well, exactly what were the other students doing when Tommy got out of his seat?

T: Tony.

P:  What? Oh, Tony.  Yes, Tony.

T:  They were writing in their journals.

P (Disapprovingly, turning mouth down):  That’s a rather sedentary activity.

T:  Well, it’s a five-minute freewriting exercise to get their ideas flowing and to generate material for their writing.  It also helps with fluency.

P: (Confused):  Fluency?  (Beat.)  Could this activity be more interactive?

T:  After they write, they share what they’ve written with a peer.  It’s just a warm up to get them—

P (Shakes head in confusion):  A warm-up?

T:  Yes, to get them thinking, writing, putting their thoughts—

P:  Yes, but what do they DO with these thoughts?

T:  It’s a prewriting activity for the first stage of the writing process.  Eventually, their responses become—

P:  Yes, but—

T:  the basis for a thesis or a narrative or a poem.

P:  But clearly, this is not an activity that engages ALL students so consider other ways for students to express their ideas.  Otherwise, Tommy will continue to be disengaged and act out.  I would suggest reaching out to other teachers for ideas on how to create more engaging lessons.

T:  This was just a five-minute—

P:  Well, let’s get back to Johnny.  I mean, Tommy.  How did you respond when he threw the pencil out of the window?

T:  I gave the student another pencil so she could continue writing, but at that point, most of the students were reacting to Tony so I asked him to step out into the hall so I could speak to him privately, but he yelled “Fuck that! I’m going to the library!” and stormed out of the room.

P:  So you just let him go?  That sounds like you’re rewarding him.

T:  Well, I couldn’t continue to follow him down the hall and leave the other 29 students unsupervised.  I did call the library and they confirmed he was there.

P:  Why didn’t you send him to his case manager?

T:  She is co-teaching a class that period so she isn’t available.  There is another case manager Tony can go to, but he refuses.

P:  Have you talked to his case manager about this?

T  (checks watch, starts to panic):  Not face-to-face. I did send several e-mails to her as well as his guidance counselor explaining the ongoing situation, but I haven’t heard back yet.  I’ve also spoken to his mom about his behavior.

P:  And what did she say?

T:  She said she gave up years ago and wished me luck.

(A brief pause ensues.)

P:  You mentioned ongoing behavior?  What other things has Tim done?

T:  He calls out random things in the middle of class to get attention. 

P (smiles and leans back in chair):  Ah, so he’s comfortable speaking out in class.  Perhaps you could find positive ways for him to use his voice and sense of humor?

T (shocked and confused): Sense of–??

P:  He obviously wants to participate.  Perhaps you could let him teach a lesson or assist in some other constructive way?

T:  I tried that and it was a disaster. He ended up making faces at his classmates and telling jokes. I’d love to get him involved that way, but he would still need to follow the expectations, stay focused–

P:  I’m sure he will once you give him some leadership.  He hasn’t had problems in his other classes.  Have you talked to them about what they’re doing?

T:  Actually, I emailed all of his teachers this semester.  Only two responded and they both said he acts the same way in their classes. 

P:  I must say, I’m surprised.  We’ve never had any problems with Tim in the past.

T:  Tony was expelled last year and spent the rest of the school year in alternative school.

P:  I mean, this year.

T:  (Checks watch.) Well, I have a class in one minute so –

P:  Oh, have you met the Special Ed Lead Teacher?  He’s a great resource, too.

T:  Yes, we co-taught a class last year. (Rises to leave.)

P: I’m really glad we could figure this out. 

T: Oh, I figured it out. You want me to waste taxpayers’ money and deny 29 other students their right to an education so I can escort a special needs student to the library because his case manager is co-teaching a class and isn’t even available as a resource, which is in clear violation of his IEP.

P: (Confused.)Wait. What???

Bell rings.

T: We can continue this conversation in my room after school. I’m in A125.

P is still processing, not sure what just happened.

T: (Turns back right before she enters the sweltering heat of the hallway.) Oh, and you might want to ditch the sports jacket. It’s hot. 

END SCENE

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…And That’s a WRAP!

Christina DunbarLeave a comment

People have compared mental health treatment plans to emergency kits, toolboxes, lunchboxes and so on.  These action plans are known as WRAPs (Wellness Recovery Action Plan).  It doesn’t matter what you call it, but it’s important to create your own toolkit of strategies to use to stay well. It takes time to learn which tools work for you and when to use them. However, over time, you will discover the techniques that work best for you, just as a carpenter learns which tools to use for the job at hand. Research has shown that individuals with action plans manage their symptoms better and stay healthy for longer periods of times than those who have no plans in place.

So what do you put in this toolkit? Some common tools include exercise, talk therapy, medication, diet, peer support groups, and relaxation techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing,  Others use self-affirmations, mantras, and journaling and practice gratitude.  Basically, anything that you need to do on a daily basis to maintain wellness can become part of your WRAP. Consider what you do when you are feeling well and incorporate those ideas and activities into your plan.

Cognitive Distortions

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I describe myself as a “pessimist from birth.” Seriously, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have worst case scenarios and “all or nothing” thinking. It’s as natural to me as breathing. I berated myself if I missed a point on a test. If I got a 99%, I focused on the 1% I got wrong. If I received a compliment, I discounted it and pointed out a mistake. I dwelled on negative feedback and experiences. After a break up, I replayed the saddest possible songs and reread letters, poured over pictures, wrote depressing poems, and wallowed in my despair. It was all I knew and, ironically, I took a sick comfort in the familiar; I knew how to handle failure, rejection, disappointment, dysfunction, chaos. Happiness, optimism, success–these were feelings I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know how to be comfortable with myself. It was as if by proclaiming my contentment or celebrating my success, I would somehow “jinx” myself. Some people avoid black cats or walking  under ladders; my superstition was positive thinking.

As one of my favorite quotes states, “whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” While I used to hold myself to ridiculously high standards and place myself in intensely stressful situations, I don’t have the energy for that anymore. Ever since my three year episode of debilitating depression, I have been gentler with myself.  Sure, I still slip into old habits of self-deprecation and negativity, but I can’t allow myself to stay in that mindset long.  I have to challenge and redirect my thoughts before I’m trapped in a cycle of negative thinking.

So how do I get myself out of this “stinking thinking?” I challenge my thoughts. When I think or feel a certain way, I ask myself “is this true?” “what evidence do I have?” “Is there another choice?” “how is this helping me?” Usually, I find that my thought is not rational or at least questionable.  It gets me thinking of other ways to feel about something or another way to handle or feel about a difficult situation.

David Burns, renowned psychiatrist and author of Feeling Good, explains cognitive distortions and provides examples and charts to help reframe negative, irrational thoughts. The Pennsylvania Child Welfare Resource Center created the handout “Thinking About Thinking,” which is posted below:

These are 10 common cognitive distortions that can contribute to negative emotions. They also fuel catastrophic thinking patterns that are particularly disabling. Read these and see if you can identify ones that are familiar to you.

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. When a young woman on a diet ate a spoonful of ice cream, she told herself, “I’ve blown my diet completely.” This thought upset her so much that she gobbled down an entire quart of ice cream!

2. Over generalization: You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when you think about it. A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he noticed bird dung on the windshield of his car. He told himself, “Just my luck! Birds are always crapping on my car!”

3. Mental Filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors a beaker of water. Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count.” If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that anyone could have done as well. Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Mind Reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. Fortune-telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, “I’m really going to blow it. What if I flunk?” If you’re depressed you may tell yourself, “I’ll never get better.”

6. Magnification: You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. This is also called the “binocular trick.”

7. Emotional Reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person.” Or “I feel angry. This proves I’m being treated unfairly.” Or “I feel so inferior. This means I’m a second-rate person.” Or “I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.”

8. “Should statements”: You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.” This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar offenders. “Should statements” that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration: “He shouldn’t be so stubborn and argumentative.” Many people try to motivate themselves with should and shouldn’ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. “I shouldn’t eat that doughnut.” This usually doesn’t work because all these should and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Albert Ellis has called this “musterbation.” I call it the “shouldy” approach to life.

9. Labeling: Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” You might also label yourself “a fool” or “a failure” or “a jerk.” Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. Human beings exist, but “fools,” “losers,” and “jerks” do not. These labels are just useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem. You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: “He’s an S.O.B.” Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves little room for constructive communication.

10. Personalization and blame: Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control. When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child. When another woman’s husband beat her, she told herself, “If only I were better in bed, he wouldn’t beat me.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.

Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will just toss the blame right back in your lap. It’s like the game of hot potato – no one wants to get stuck with it.

Reframing Tips:

Explore what’s stressing you: View your situation with positive eyes.

Find what you can change: If you could, what parts of your situation would you most like to change? With positive reframing, you may see possibilities you weren’t aware of before.

Identify benefits: Find the benefits in the situation you face.

Discover the humor: Find the aspects of your situation that you face.

Discover the humor: Find the aspects of your situation that are so absurd you can’t help but laugh

References

Burns David, M.D. The Feeling Good Handbook. Harper-Collins Publishers: New York, 1989.

“Thinking About Thinking.” The Pennsylvania Child Welfare Resource Center 313: Managing the Impact of Traumatic Stress on the Child Welfare Professional Handout #15.

The Power of Peer Support Groups

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I wasn’t going to go to my weekly DBSA meeting. I was tired, it was dark, and I had a long day. In fact, I’ve been stuck in a rut for the past two weeks–nothing severe, just low motivation and returning to old poor habits. But something pushed me, I got myself out the door, and I drove to the church where my peer support group meets every Wed.

I shared my struggle with motivation and the general heaviness I’ve been feeling lately with the rest of the group. As usual, I got helpful supportive suggestions from people who also struggle with anxiety and depression (e.g., making daily lists of small tasks, embedding a reward system, focusing on one goal at a time, being gentle with myself).

As the meeting progressed, I found myself becoming gradually more interested and invested in others’ stories and even offering feedback and encouragement. One thing is certain: it is very difficult to feel down when you are helping someone else. There is also comfort in feeling like you are not alone and no one is judging you.  Participating in peer groups also takes me out of my own head and my own self-doubt and worries.  In fact, peer support group is one of my strongest allies in fighting this disease and keeping my depression at bay. These people get me. Or as Sally Fields would say, “they like me. They really like me!”

And if that isn’t enough of a reason to drag myself off the couch, this last part is. After the meeting, a young man (19 years old) came up to me and told me that he remembered me from when I spoke at the hospital when he was hospitalized in September. He thanked me and told me my story inspired him and I was the reason he was there.

He will never know how much his words mean to me and how much I needed to hear them. A huge smile spread across my face and I swear I floated out that door.

Skeletons in the Closet

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At the last DBSA meeting, a peer shared the following advice given to him by a therapist when he was a young boy struggling with PTSD:

We all have skeletons in our closets. When we leave home, those skeletons stay in the closet. You leave them behind. But when you come home, they are still there. You may not see them, but you know they are there. At first you may just look at the closet. Maybe next time you move closer to the closet, but you still don’t open the door. Then you may touch the doorknob. The next time you might open the door and peek in. Eventually, when you are ready, you open the door, and take one skeleton out.  Deal with that one skeleton.  Once that one is handled, you move onto the next.

One skeleton at a time.

Gratitude

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Depression feeds on negativity and grows stronger with each negative thought. When depressed, it is easy to fall into that vicious cycle of bad thoughts. Practicing gratitude stops that pattern and changes brain chemistry by releasing serotonin and dopamine. However, it can be difficult to find anything positive when depression sets in. Start with writing or verbalizing three things or people for whom you are grateful each day until it becomes a habit (experts suggest 21 consecutive days of practice to form a habit).  Many find it helpful to write thank you letters, cards, e-mails to people who have helped you in the past. Whenever, I feel those negative thoughts building (what I don’t have, what is wrong, what I’ve lost, etc.) I stop and focus on what I do have (e.g., life, shelter, food, family, friends, pet, therapy, medication, books, music), what is right (I’m physically well), and what I’ve gained (empathy, perspective, knowledge, etc.) In time, my perspective shifts and my positivity attracts more good thoughts.

A LIFETIME IN RECOVERY

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Working My Recovery Every. Single. Day.

Even though it’s been several years since I have had a depressive “episode” (that’s the term doctors have given it, though I associate “episodes” with sitcoms like The Office or Seinfeld—rather ironic, right?), that doesn’t mean I am out of the woods. There is no cure for mental illness and I know that I am vulnerable to more episodes, especially after the initial breakdown. Therefore, I have to work my recovery every day. Mornings tend to be the roughest. I still struggle to get out of bed and begin the day. I used to rise at 5:30 am like clockwork for my teaching job, but those days are gone. It’s pointless to think about what I used to do, because I am not able to juggle all the things I once did (god knows I’ve tried). I’ve accepted that teaching full-time at a public high school is not a part of my new reality (though I fought that notion for YEARS and ended up in the hospital again and again).

Anyway, this summer my daughter is in a playground program so she is gone from 9-12 and yesterday I found myself sucked into the couch watching reruns on ID Discovery Channel until it was time to pick her up. As I started to berate myself for not going to the gym like I planned and for just lying around rather than getting ready for my stepson’s graduation party on Sat., I remembered what my therapist said about “being gentle with myself”–an approach that does not come naturally to me. At all. So I stopped and chose to be gentle with myself.  I reminded myself that the day wasn’t over. Sure, I  missed the gym class, but It was nice outside and I COULD take a short walk. And just because I didn’t make it to the gym this time, there was still tomorrow.

So instead of continuing to lie around, I forced myself to get dressed, put on one of my favorite Spotify playlists, and take a walk. I’m not going to lie and say it was all rainbows and unicorns, but I can say I felt much better than if I had stayed on the couch.  I also noticed I was a bit more productive with the rest of my day.

FLASH FORWARD to this morning.  Again I found myself resisting the gym (I do not have the discipline to work out at home so I gave up that battle long ago—not gonna happen).  Naturally, I first thought of all the reasons to skip the gym (and most likely return to that godforsaken couch):

  1. I would be late to class, which was always embarrassing.
  2. The best weights, mats, etc. would be taken.
  3. It would be crowded and I detest crowds. 9 am is a popular workout time.
  4. I wasn’t even dressed yet. Did I even wash any of my workout clothes?
  5. I am overweight so exercising is hard for me. I am 5’ 3’’ and weigh 180, which I never imagined would happen, but here I am. 180.
  6. I probably can’t even do half the exercises anyway. See #4
  7. Most of the people in the class are trim and fit, which makes me feel worse.
  8. You get the idea……

Then I reminded myself that I didn’t go yesterday and how that made me feel about myself. So I dressed (incidentally, there was plenty of workout clothes because you actually have to wear them in order for them to be dirty) and left for the gym in a pretty foul mood (Be gentle, Deep breaths.)

Turns out I was late to a full class, but I was there so I figured I might as well go in. I found a spot in the back corner (thank god for those) and retrieved my equipment—a bar, two sets of weights, a step, blocks that go under the step to raise it more (seems overly ambitious), and a mat. Needless to say, setting up was a workout in itself! In fact, I was already sweating, though one side effect of my medication is excessive sweating so, to be honest, it doesn’t take much. People comment on my profuse sweating all the time, (which is actually rather rude, but whatever.)

Once I positioned all my accoutrement,  I jumped into the routine –well, begrudgingly moved is more accurate. Every time those negative thoughts entered my head (and they did!), I reframed them. To illustrate this, here is a script between the two parts of my brain, which I will call GOOD and BAD for now.

BAD: Why are these people so fit? Like they even need to come to the gym. (snort)

GOOD:  They are fit, BECAUSE they come to the gym. You can be fit, too.

BAD:  My weights are clearly lighter than everyone else’s.

GOOD:  So what? Everyone starts somewhere. You don’t want to overdo it and hurt yourself like last time.

BAD:  That instructor doesn’t even care about her class. She just uses it to get in her own work out. It’s all so fast like we already know what we’re supposed to do. And where are the modifications, for crying out loud?

GOOD: This must be her passion. I’m just glad I know how to adjust my expectations and modify these exercises–

BAD: Or I’d never walk again.

GOOD: Oh come now, that’s unlikely. You’re catastrophizing.

BAD:  How do these tiny women lift such heavy weights?! Why aren’t they sweating?!

GOOD: Stop comparing yourself to others. It just brings you down. They’ve probably been lifting weights for a long time and you just started. The fact that you are sweating is a good sign; it’s a natural consequence of exercising.

BAD: I will never be that fit.

GOOD:  First, “never” is an absolute; you don’t know that. If you exercised regularly, you might be. Each time you come you get stronger. Give yourself credit for coming, even though you didn’t want to. That’s a huge step.

BAD: Well, I guess it’s better than nothing.

And so it goes.  Well, I have rambled long enough for now (and even enjoyed it) so I will bid you all farewell and leave you with this:

EVERY JOURNEY BEGINS WITH A SINGLE STEP. 

So, what first step will you take today?